From the files

Q: Ever since seeing a Lamborghini in the movie Rising Sun, I’ve had what you might call a preternatural lust to buy one. Well, I thought I’d have to live with this for my entire life—this insatiable, impossible desire. I thought, as you might imagine, that buying one would be way out of my league. Well, recently I came into an extraordinary stroke of luck: I met a Lamborghini owner who was leaving the country and needed to sell his car (an ’87 Anniversario Countach), which I was able to buy for $20,000. More recently, I’ve had the occasion to wonder whether the car is genuine. First of all, some of my friends (albeit the more distant ones) claim that I should be able to find some kind of bull-insignia on the hood of the car. More troubling is the fact that I’ve noticed, quite recently, that the speedometer only goes up to 140mph. Now, I realize that 140mph is well above the legal speed limit, but I can’t help but wondering whether this doesn’t seem a little slow for a car so fast-looking. Was I taken for a ride?

from Magnolia, DE

A: First of all, the car in Rising Sun was a Vector, not a Lamborghini. Which I suppose is not your most egregious mistake (we’ll get to that in a moment), but that’s not the point. The point is, you’re a moron. Although I guess that’s not really the main point, either; I guess the point is that you don’t actually have a Lamborghini in your possession. Fact. I’d bet you $20,000 that you don’t. Let me spell it out for you. Assuming the car actually runs (it does run, doesn’t it?), there’s basically no way you could buy it (in the hypothetical scenario that it was a Lamborghini) for $20,000. Okay? My knowledge here is limited, but I’d be willing to guarantee that. Yes, there should be some kind of insignia or something on the car. The fact that—based on your admittedly questionable observations—the car has no visible insignia/logo/etc. is inherently suspicious. But that’s really a minor quibble. More importantly, you’re right in wondering whether 140mph might be a little too phlegmatic for such a sporty car. It is. Even more suspicious, however, is the fact that no Lamborghini Anniversarios were built in 1987. None were built until September 1988, as a matter-of-fact. What I really have to wonder about, however, is why you’re writing to a horticulture advice columnist for help on your automotive woes. Ignoring for the moment the fact that I was able, I think, to fairly adequately address your question, I only ask: why? Why? Why?

Tom “Sagebush” Salieri